The Scorpion King Review
by Tim Wick

The Scorpion King lands frustratingly in the mediocre camp.

Now in case you missed the ads, the articles on various online movie sites, the countless promotional posters or the ubiquitous trailers for the film, The Scorpion King stars pro wrestler The Rock. We'll call him Mr. Rock because I don't think we know each other well enough for me to refer to him as The. Mr. Rock has the body and the acting chops to become the next Schwartzenagger. By that I mean he has an absolutely fantastically sculpted body and pretty much no acting ability. When Ah-nold made Conan, he had the advantage of an accent that was so thick you couldn't possibly criticize his line readings because you couldn't understand what he was saying. The Scorpion King is a clear rip-off of Conan but Mr. Rock lacks the accent that could mask his performance.

Perhaps it is unfair to blame Mr. Rock for his performance. I have to wonder how many actors would be convincing saying lines like "as long as one of us lives, the sorcerer will die," "I'm here for the girl - and your head," and "I make my own destiny." The script is just about as lame as one would expect for a film that is set to star a professional wrestler. That Mr. Rock is unable to do much with the material may be more a function of the fact that Lawrence Olivier would have had a difficult time delivering this dialogue in a convincing manner.

Where Mr. Rock actually does deliver is in the action department. Despite the utilization of the much despised (at least by me) quick cut action sequence, what I saw of Mr. Rock's ability to swing swords and pile drive his many enemies was actually pretty good. I give him high marks for being able to look comparatively serious and even concerned about the outcome of a fight that everyone in the audience knows he is going to win.

What can one truly expect of a sword and sorcery film that isn't The Fellowship of the Ring? One can expect the metallic ringing sound that accompanies every drawn sword that is (I think) intended to prove to the audience how sharp the sword is. One can expect that our hero will have a close friend/family relation killed early on (his brother in this case) so he has a nice little revenge motive. One can expect a comic sidekick (Grant Heslov). One can expect a love interest (Kelly Hu). One can expect the leader of the rebel band (Michael Clarke Duncan) to get into a big fight with Mr. Rock before the two team up to defeat the wicked king (Steven Brand). One can expect the wicked king to kill at least one henchman to prove how much of a badass he is. One can expect our heroes to seem defeated only to have them triumph in the end. All of these expectations are met as if ticking off items on a grocery list.

The reason that this movie doesn't suck is because as badly written and clichéd as it is, the performers are working with utter conviction. Brand is actually remarkably convincing as the wicked king Memnon. He does not resort to the Alan Rickman school of movie villainy (I like Alan Rickman villains - when they are played by Alan Rickman). Instead, Memnon is a much smoother character. You never get the impression that he is crazy or even that he is overly sadistic. You get the feeling that he is accustomed to getting his way and willing to take whatever steps need to be taken to see that it remains that way.

Hu fares worse as the sorceress Cassandra. I'm not saying she's a bad actor because this film gives me no chance to find out. Her primary role seems to be wearing as little clothing as she can without ever making it possible for the film to achieve an R rating. While I certainly appreciated the fact that she never had to resort to screaming, I don't think her character ever really reached the level of anything more than eye candy. Don't get me wrong - Hu is fine eye candy but she didn't have to be just that. Come on! The lady is supposed to be a sorceress! Let's see her do some wacky magical CGI tricks.

As for our comic sidekick - the less said the better. A movie will never rise above mediocre when the comic sidekick isn't actually funny.

The Scorpion King is not a bad movie. I'd even say it's better than The Mummy Returns because it is not a sloppy rehash (as I expect The Scorpion King II will be). I have no doubt that it will probably gross at least $100 million at the box office, produce a sequel and perhaps even signal the beginning of a successful film career for Mr. Rock. The film is also not a very good movie. It relies to strongly on past sword and sorcery epics, has a pedantic script and score and continues the recent Hollywood trend of badly shot action sequences.

But Would I tell you that you were wasting your money if you caught this film at a $2 theatre? Nah. $2 is about right.