Tomb Raider Review
by Tim Wick

For a movie that claims to be an action film, there are an anemic FOUR action sequences in the entire film. One of them is a startlingly short final fight between the bad guy and Lara Croft. The rest of the film is filled with long, dull scenes of exposition and transition.

The action sequences themselves have been cut for people with attention spans that are tested by modern music videos. Often the camera cuts angles between EVERY SHOT that comes out of Lara Croft's gun. One scen in particular begins with Lara doing an aerial ballet to the sound of classical music. Bad guys break in and the music switches to some idiotic "Matrix-y" industro instrumental when the sequence would have looked far better had it been done entirely to the classical music. The juxtaposition would have been fantastic. Instead, the music made the scene every bit as bad as the rest of the film (mind you, they would have had to edit the scene far better as well).

The false breasts used to augments Angelina Jolie's figure in this film are as fake as any CGI in The Mummy Returns and they consistently change size like the monster in Godzilla 1998.

Unlike Lawrence Fishburne (The Matrix), John Voight has absolutely no gift whatsoever for delivering long amounts of boring exposition.

Even with the countless minutes of exposition, the film makes no sense. Why does Lara help the bad guy instead of just destroying the piece she stole from him? Why did the clock appraiser betray her? Why in the hell would Lara give a rip about her ex-boyfriend being killed - he's a freakin' jerk! What are all the little girls giving Lara advice all about?

Angelina Jolie may have an Oscar, but she can't act worth a damn in this film. I have no idea why she cared for anyone, why she did what she did or why she was speaking with a faux English accent when she was so clearly NOT English (yes, I kno Lara is English, but you could tell Jolie was most certainly not).

I've heard it argued that one should not expect that much from a "popcorn film" and I answer if all one expects is this piece of trash, you should expect to get no better. Independance Day, The Mummy (1999), Die Hard, and coutless other films have shown that a popcorn film can be entertaining and actually engage your brain. This film is the product of a studio system that has learned they can produce a lackluster product and people will see it because they have no other options. You do have another option. You can stay home and rent one of the fine films listed above.

While this film rockets to the top of the box office, it is doing so at the expense of the daring Moulin Rouge, the entertaining (though admittedly profitable) Shrek and the engaging Memento. With so many GOOD films you are no seeing, why spend money on this piece of garbage?

For being a film targeted directly at the crotch of teen age boys, it is stunningly devoid of any actually titillating scenes. Lara's figure is so artificial, it is almost laughable. She is dressed in inappropriate clothing during much of the film (no, not her trademark shirt and short shorts - she wears those a lot) that does little more than show off her obviously unnatural figure.

I read several reviews for this film before going to see it. I knew it was going to be bad. That it managed to be worse than I could have possibly expected speaks volumes about what a piece of junk this film is. Don't go to see it. It will only encourage them to make more and the only positive than can come from that is that any sequels will almost HAVE to be better than this one.