Black Scorpion
by Michael Fanslow

Having just watched the Vikings loose in a big way to the Giants, I am of mixed emotions as I write. On the one hand, I love the Vikings and it always disappointing when they choke in the big games. On the other hand, I just won five bucks betting that this is exactly what would happen. This feeling of mixed emotions also applies to the Sci-Fi Channel's new show Black Scorpion. On one hand, the show is pure, unadulterated garbage; but on the other hand it is strangely compelling.

I first learned of Black Scorpion about a year and a half ago, wandering around the internet. The show's creator and producer is none other than Roger Corman, who brought us so many SF movies in the fifties and sixties (Many of which ended up on Mystery Science Theater 3000- Viking Women and the Sea Serpent is my favorite!). He initially created two Black Scorpion movies for Showtime, and has now come up with a B.S. series for Sci-Fi. My first thought upon hearing about it was that it was going to be an incredible piece of schlock. After seeing a couple of episodes (And it was a sacrifice! I had to put off watching EastEnders for this.) I can definitively state that Roger has raised the bar on mediocrity to new heights.

In this endeavor, Mr. Corman brings us a female superhero, and every single cliché you can possibly imagine. Angel City is your typical American metropolis: The mayor is a crook who has his large breasted mistress on the payroll. The uniformed officers destroy their cars so often you would think they were crash test dummies. The police chief and detectives are all bumbling idiots.

In fact, there are only two members of the force with any brains at all. One is Darcy Walker (played by former Miss Kansas, Michelle Lintel) who is secretly the vigilante Black Scorpion. The other is her partner Steve Rafferty (played by Scott Valentine) who is trying not to fall in love with Darcy because he has a secret crush on Black Scorpion, whom he has vowed to bring to justice.

The Black Scorpion has only two super human abilities; the first is fighting skills that make the fight scenes in Xena look real. The second is the standard superhuman female power to not have her breasts pop out of her costume. But to make up for the dearth of powers, she has gadgets- she has a secret crime viewfinder, a hypnotic tie, a straw- oh, wait, that's the Tick. Sorry. She is aided in her crime fighting crusade by Argyle (played by B.T.), a reformed car thief with a heart of gold who has learned how to "rearrange molecules at the atomic level" which allows Darcy to transform her ordinary car into the super high tech Black Scorpianmobile, (And they say you can't learn anything in prison.) which is loaded with weapons, computers, gadgets, and UV lighting.

The last TV show Mr. Corman watched was apparently Batman, back in the sixties. All you have to do is toss in some "Pow!" and "Bang!" graphics and get Darcy a butler, and you're set. Since the character was established in the Showtime movies, the first episode was not an origin episode, but we do learn that her father was a police officer who is now dead. (Wanna bet that his death and her decision to wear designer swimsuits at night are linked?) It deals instead with a villain called Firearm- so called because when he lost one arm he replaced it with a high tech weapon he couldn't possibly afford. Firearm wants to change the gun laws, and is willing to shoot a lot of people to make it happen.

The second episode has B.S. fighting Hurricane, a villainess who got her weather controlling abilities in the time honored tradition - by getting exposed to toxic waste. (It's also the episode where we learn that you can't drive the B.S.mobile in the rain.) Hurricane also gets to have the first henchmen to appear on the show. They've been transformed into human squid. You know they're squid because they have rubber tentacles instead of hair. Hurricane wants to blackmail the city into cleaning the toxic waste out of the public beach. (What ever happened to just taking the money and running?) Hurricane is also unable to distinguish between scorpions and spiders, because she spends most of the episode referring to B.S. as a spider. But hey, she's a marine biologist, not a specialist in arachnids.

The acting is uniformly bad. The dialog is uniformly trite with bad puns, meant to represent clever superhero/villain banter. The two episodes shown so far have followed exactly the same formula. 1) Do some charter exposition with the minor characters and set up the premise. 2) Introduce the villain and have them fight B.S. and win. 3) Have the villain escalate the situation, and do some more stuff with the minor characters. 4) Have the second confrontation between B.S. and villain de-jour, with B.S. figuring out some clever way to win.

The surprising thing is that it can be quite enjoyable. It's so bad you have to laugh at times, and can generally watch with a smile on your face. (And hey, how can you not have fun with a lead character whose initials are B.S.?) The 60ish-70ish style to the writing and characters gives the show a quirky, retro feel. If you have nothing to do on a Friday night, and want to give your brain a vacation, give the show a chance.

And here is some of what you have to look forward to, as copied off the Sci-Fi Channel's website.

"Among the super vixens, we have 17 Playboy playmates and Penthouse pets, including Victoria Silvestedt, the Playmate of the Year," Corman said. "They are probably--as a matter of fact, I will change that--they are UNDOUBTEDLY the greatest-looking supporting cast of any show on television. And you see a lot of them because we economized when purchasing the material for their costumes." Corman added, "We have gotten a few comments that we are exploiting the sexuality of women. But I don't think that's true. I think we're celebrating the sexuality of women."

My gosh, who would have thought Roger Corman would be such an ardent feminist?

On my ten point scale I give it a 3.5 (ed: which translates into 1.75 beakers, which we'll round up to two.)

Point values subject to change without advance warning- sort of like the cast on Earth: Final Conflict.

Black Scorpion

Two Beakers
(out of five)

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