But I've already seen the Movie

by Tim Wick

Howdy to everyone that reads my reviews! I know that my intrepid fans (if I can be so presumptuous as to call the twenty of you fans) have wondered why there have been no reviews from me on the site in a couple of weeks. I mean, with Gladiator and Battlefield Earth out, you would have expected me to weigh in with my unimportant views on these films. Thing is....I haven't seen them.

I hang my head in shame, but I confess that I've been on vacation and was so busy having a good time that I flat didn't get to the theatre (we had planned to do so, but things got in the way - like other stuff we wanted to do more). So I haven't seen Gladiator yet. I will file my much belated review once I actually get to the film (probably before it's out of the theatres). Instead, I'd like to talk about movies I HAVE seen.

Actually, I don't want to talk about the movies, I want to talk about their trailers. Is anyone besides me sick of trailers where the entire film is given away in 60 seconds? You know the trailers I mean. How about the Mission to Mars trailer that showed you the end of the film? Or the Snake Eyes trailer that told you who the killer was? I have probably missed some great films because their trailer left me with no desire to see the movie.

What makes a trailer great and what makes it suck? I have my own opinions, but let's look a the basics - a good trailer makes you want to see the movie. A great trailer makes you NEED to see the movie.

In recent memory, I can't think of a better trailer than the one for The Matrix (Yeah, I know - you are all sick of me talking about how great this film is - get over it). Sadly, the actual trailer is not available on the DVD (a major oversight), but it is often shown before movies at MISFITS movie nights. Watch it sometime if you can and you will understand what I mean. The trailer is a stream of great images plus a few catch phrases ("Welcome to the real world", "What is the Matrix?", etc.). Unless you are some kind of telepath, you wouldn't have the slightest clue what the movie was about, but you sure as hell knew it LOOKED COOL!!!!!

Now, let's consider the stinky trailer currently out for Gone in Sixty Seconds (which I will see because I love Nicholas Cage - even in shlock like this). The first few seconds of this trailer are fantastic. A narrator tells you how long it took you to buy your ticket, popcorn and find your seat. Then she tells you it took the characters only 60 seconds to steal your car. A series of quick flashes from action to action follow and then the Buena Vista logo (a lightning bolt hitting a tree) flashes up. If the trailer ended there, it would be great. Instead, it goes on for a nearly interminable amount of time. We learn that instead of being a film about people stealing cars, it is apparently a film about people crashing cars and making out in them. All interest in the film that was generated in the first fifteen seconds is drained to nothing by the end of the preview. I don' t think the trailer gives away the ending, but who cares?

My understanding (and this is only an understanding, not verified fact) is that movie makers rarely make their own trailers. Instead they contract to a third party to create the trailers. These companies that produce trailers must be stopped. They haven't got the slightest idea that some of us like to be surprised by what happens in the movie. Some of us (like me) remember scenes from trailers and can predict that the film isn't over because a certain scene has not been shown yet.

Take The Shawshank Redemption. Despite fine filmmaking, I knew that Andy was not going to kill himself as he sat alone in his cell with a length of rope. Why? Because I had seen the preview that included a shot of Andy standing in a stream with his arms outstretched and I hadn't seen that shot yet. Sure enough it happened about five minutes later. That is unfair. I wanted to be wondering what was really going to happen along with everyone else in the theatre. I could be the exception here, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

Then you have the completely horrible trailer for Snake Eyes that makes it look like a movie to avoid. Why watch a whodunnit when you already know who did it?

Another horrible trailer was the one for The Iron Giant. Is anybody from Warner Brothers reading this? I'm going to be clear here. If - you - wanted - people - to - watch - the - Iron - Giant - you - should - not - have - shown - the - giant - in - the - trailer!!!! Mystery is what gets butts into seats! You gave us everything except the tear jerker ending for god's sake! A great movie can be shot down by a crummy trailer. Such was the case with The Iron Giant.

Somewhere in the middle are trailers for films like The Sixth Sense. If the film was not so strong, the trailer would have bothered me. The film is better if you don't know from the opening credits that the kid sees dead people. If you don't know that at first, he just seems disturbed. Later, when you start seeing what he sees, you realize he is sane, but being pushed to the brink of madness by what he is seeing. The trailer prevents you from having that experience, but instead it got butts into the seats because more people will watch a ghost story than will watch a movie about a child psychologist. Tough call. The trailer gave too much away, but made people want to see the film.

I know people who will do just about anything to miss a trailer. They will plug their ears, close their eyes and hum loudly because they want to know NOTHING at all about the film. I'm fine with knowing a little. I want a flavor of what the picture is about. If it's a comedy, I'd like a joke or two (but not every funny line in the picture). If it's bad, I'm hoping the trailer will tell me that (which explains why you haven't seen a review of Viva Rock Vegas either).

I just wish that the people who make trailers would realize that some of us actually remember them. Those of us who do would like the people creating trailers to remember a few simple rules:

1. Don't include anything from the last 15 - 20 minutes of the film. That's payoff territory and you stand the chance of ruining it for your audience.
2. Shorter is better. I am more jazzed for a movie that I've seen 15 seconds of than I ever will be for a movie I've seen two minutes of.
3. Find a different voice over guy. I'm serious. That bass, earnest sounding guy is fine for Mission Impossible, but he doesn't quite fit with Return to Me. Have any of you considered using a female for a voice over once in a while? I know, they used one for Gone in Sixty Seconds, but that doesn't count.
4. If we are supposed to spend part of the movie figuring out who the killer is - DON'T GIVE IT AWAY IN THE TRAILER!!!!!
5. Stop using music from the Dave soundtrack. I love the movie, but enough is enough.
6. Nothing you can do will convince us that a movie starring Pauly Shore is funny. Shorter is better. Give the movie title and then say "Starring Pauly Shore". That's all most of us need to know.
7. Have you considered reading the script before you cut these things? I mean I know you probably don't get a final cut of the film, but you could probably find a script somewhere. That might clue you in to scenes you might not want to use....
8. Don't use every good joke in the movie for the trailer. If they are bad, no-one will go see your comedy because they figure they have already seen the funniest parts.
9. I don't care how special a movie is, the word "special" should be banned from trailer scripts. This is true of TV ads as well. Can anybody tell me the last time Seventh Heaven wasn't "special"?
10. Include stuff that ISN'T in the movie. That's the best way to baffle those of us that remember trailers. We'll spend the next several days complaining about the fact that half the trailer wasn't in the film. Serves us right.

My point here (if I ever had one) is that a trailer can be fantastic. I love the trailer for The Matrix every bit as much as I love the film. I feel the same way about the trailer for Buckaroo Banzai. Those trailers got me into the theatre. I haven't even rented Snake Eyes. See the difference?

These companies that produce trailers must be stopped.

A great movie can be shot down by a crummy trailer.